


Who I Am Without You (Is Who I Want to Be)

by Diary



Category: Ugly Betty
Genre: Angst, Awkward Conversations, Bechdel Test Fail, Bottle Episode Fic, Canon Gay Character, POV Cliff St. Paul, POV Male Character, POV Queer Character, Post-Episode: s03e08 Tornado Girl, Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-26 00:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12545168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diary/pseuds/Diary
Summary: Repost under different title. After Marc and Cliff break up, Amanda tries to convince Cliff to give Marc another chance. Complete.





	Who I Am Without You (Is Who I Want to Be)

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Ugly Betty.

“Okay, we are going to have a-”

Feeling utterly tired, Cliff interrupts, “Amanda, I mean this in the nicest way possible: Don’t. At the moment, I’m not above calling the police and having you dragged out in handcuffs.”

Thankfully, she closes her mouth. Unthankfully, she sits down in his office chair, props her legs on the desk, and crosses her arms. “So, we really need to talk about Marc.”

“You first.” Resuming his tedious task of sorting his mail, he thinks, I really need a secretary. Or at least, an extra chair for when the psycho best friend of my ex-boyfriend commandeers mine.

“He loves you,” she says. “And you love him. Why can’t that be enough?”

Cliff feels his heart clench. She sounds so much like a little kid, and he realizes, for all his dismissal of her as Marc’s overly-hyper, shallow fruit fly, her presence is proof she does legitimately care. Looking up, he asks, “Have you ever been cheated on?”

Her look is answer enough.

“Then, you know how horrible it is. Did you stay with the guy?”

“Yes,” she answers with her voice full of a quiet defiance.

Holding up his hand, he says, “Everyone has different boundaries. I’m not one to judge you or your past relationships. The thing is: I could forgive Marc. I still love him.”

“Then, why-”

“Because, I couldn’t forget. And maybe that would be okay, but when this started, I thought Marc would be the guy to just say, ‘We’re over,’ and walk away if it got to a point where we weren’t working. Him cheating on me, and then, trying to marry me to assuage his guilt- that scenario never entered my mind. If I go back to him, every day, I’m going to wonder: ‘Am I really the only man in his life? Or did he hook up with some guy in the fax room, because, I said something to set him off?’ When he goes on businesses trips, I’m going to spend the whole time torturing myself with thoughts of him and some other man in a hotel room. I’m always going to be scared there’s some guy he’s seeing when he’s not with me.”

Laughing, he shakes his head and looks her straight in the eye. “I love Marc, Amanda. For the past several nights, I’ve literally cried myself to sleep. But I’m not going to slowly kill myself with doubts and insecurities.”

“I once cheated,” she says. “Have you ever?”

“No.”

Standing, she walks over and pokes him. “You don’t get to judge, then. It may be wrong, but cheating once doesn’t make a person a cheater, okay?”

He lowers her wrist. “I’m the victim here, not your friend. That means, I pretty much have free license to feel whatever I do. And part of me thinks I deserve a freaking medal for showing restraint and not washing Marc’s clothes with my red sheets,” he manages not to roll his eyes at her gasp of horror, “but mostly- Whether Marc’s a cheater or just made a stupid mistake, if I go back, I’m completely forfeiting my dignity and my self-respect. It may not feel like that at first, but I’m not a jealous guy, okay? When my boyfriend hangs out with hot guys every day, I know he’s not in any of their beds. When he goes on business trips, I know he’s not going to go any further than a drink and a dance.”

Walking over to his desk, he sits down. “Being the non-jealous guy works for me. I like who I am. And I sincerely hope Marc finds happiness. I wish it could have been with me.”

“You’re only pretending to be the nice guy,” she tearfully declares. “You’re like a martyr or something.”    

“If so, I think that falls under my prerogative as a victim. I was a good boyfriend, Amanda, and I wanted to build a life with him. I shaved for him, and we put up with each other’s habits. I spent my lunch hour at Tiffany’s, finding the perfect rings. I was ready to beg my parents to please, at least, consider coming.”

Unable to keep the bitterness out of his tone, he continues, “Because I’m a dork, I told everyone I ran into that I was getting married. Most of those people, I will see again. Now, I get to tell those people, hey, no need to feel bad that the law and my parents won’t recognize my marriage, instead, feel bad that I am no longer even in a relationship.”

“You could be,” she insists. “Marc has problems with commitment, and he-”

“I don’t care what his reasons were or what sort of issues made it seem like a good idea. He decided to sleep with another man instead of just sitting down and having an honest conversation with me. So, if you want to cast me as self-righteous and self-pitying, well, at least, I know Marc has a good friend.”

She starts to say something, and then, sighs.

Surprise fills him, and he studies her closely.

“I like his normal type of hook-ups better, anyways. But for what it’s worth, you didn’t fill me with complete disgust.”

“I’m not sure if I should say thank you or what.”

Shrugging, she leans forward and kisses him on the cheek.

Then, she’s gone.

Sighing, he tries to ignore the picture of Marc on his desk he hasn’t been able to bring himself to remove as he finishes going through his mail.


End file.
